Scratchpad Archives [Fall 2003]
[a collection of humbling thoughts]
[1.1.04]
A low-key New Year's Eve turned into one of the most pleasant celebrations in recent years. Thanks all to three great friends, a Crate&Barrel poker chip set, and some beginner's luck.
And on a nostalgic self-historical evaluation, I was just wondering if "themes" can ever be assigned to each year of someone's life. Does it ever work that way?
Life of Peter Kang [past 5 years]
1999 - Overcoming cheating incident to become varsity starter athlete in h.s.
2000 - Feeling important as student athlete and getting into dream college.
2001 - Enjoying a blissful life before meeting the harsh reality of college.
2002 - A strange detour and lots of unnecessary drama.
2003 - Independence, (loneliness?) development of mind, and productivity.
What can I hope for in 2004? Real love? Disillusionment? Bold behavior?
[12.28.03]
You sit for hours wondering what to write and realize you don't have any good ideas.
You think back to some of the more interesting moments in your life and wonder if they can be used.
You skim through the different emotions you've felt, from the intense joy of sunny afternoons to the gnawing pain of a failed relationship.
It's not hard to get things on paper, but just remember the limitations: a low-budget camera, an amateur crew of three, a few sets that can't even be decorated, and about a week to make everything happen.
It is under these dire circumstances, when desperation peaks and stress mounts, that something finally gets done.
I am at the part where the stress is still mounting.
[12.16.03]
How closely aligned is the world of politics to our pocketbooks? Some people talk about being Democrats because of their quest for social justice while others declare themselves Republicans because of their efforts to preserve traditional values. But how much of this is rhetorical illusion, and are political stances really any different from each other?
The Republican Party rose to prominence in the second half of the 20th century by appealing to the middle-class majority and by solidifying its conservative coalition in the South. The Democrats, increasingly marginalized as the representative voice of oppressed minorities, began to follow the footsteps of the Republicans by adopting conservative stances that would appeal more to middle-class voters. The result? A political structure that, for the most part, ignores the plight of the poor such as public education and welfare, while focusing on middle-class concerns such as Social Security and Medicare.
What this comes down to is a battle of fiscal subtlety. Do we want to give corporations a tax break so they can grow? Do we want to give tax cuts to the rich so money can trickle down? Do we want to give middle-class families vouchers to send their kids to private school? Would an extra $600 refund on taxes encourage consumers and boost the economy? When you cast your vote next Novemeber, questions of these sort are the only ones that'll really matter.
[12.13.03]
After reading pages of discontent on the web and talking to people I know, I feel like an extensive work on the Question of the Asian American Male should be considered. Here are some preliminary questions that should be covered if any such work was to be undertaken:
1. What is the current perception of Asian American males and how does this differ from the perception of men in other races?
2. What is the genealogy of the Asian American male? What historical situations and circumstances contributed to the creation of the present Asian American male image? How does this differ from the geneaology of males in other races?
3. How has the social development of Asian American males differed for Asian American females? What are some factors behind this difference?
4. Are Asian American males different from males in Asia? In what ways, and why?
5. What are some factors that perpetuate the exisiting Asian American male image? How much of it can be contributed to self-enforcement and how much is imposed from the outside?
[12.6.03]
You should watch Marcel Carne's Children of Paradis (Les enfants du paradis) and see how superficial and pointless the idea of "love" really is. It's so easy to hate Garance and to sympathize with Bapitse, because Baptise is so gentle and he "loves" Garance so much while Garance is a free-floater who can't be had by any man. Most people would label her a seductress who takes advantage of men and does what she pleases with them, but to make her responsible for the "pain" is just silly.
Sometimes I wonder how much of the "first sight" attraction is based on our animal instincts and how much of it is based on impressions of the "conventional norms" of romance in our minds instilled by books, films, music, etc. Sometimes, I personally find myself being attracted to a girl and then projecting all sorts of great qualities onto her when, in fact, I barely know her. When we say "love," or even just a "like," how much of it is a genuine emotion and how much of it is an act of self-indulgence intended to make us feel better about ourselves?
But I continually find it amusing when people really believe they know what "love" is, because I certainly don't have a clue.
[12.1.03]
A Thanksgiving at home always welcomes reflection on self-identity, as cliche as the exercise may sound.
Values. Politicians love to use that word to conjure up images of a tightly-knit family or a morally upright citizen doing what he or she can to better society. Most of us are programmed to think in such a way, our brains having been flooded with such media manipulations.
I realized this weekend, amid the warm family atmosphere, the football game with old friends, and the role as host to a friend who didn't get to go home, I am very much a person who places great faith in this illusion called "values." The bonds formed and maintained over time, the snug feeling of familiarity that gives way to trust, and most of all, the ability to be "myself" without any restrictions - I have constructed a world in which my faith in the goodness of people has allowed me to feel satisfied when all these conditions are met.
What are "values" to me? It's the product of a decision to involve myself with others, to endure initial discomforts or conflicts, and to hope that in the end, everyone will be happy.
[11.17.03]
Will and Ben are having a beer and sitting in Will's dorm room. Will is on his bed while Ben is sitting at the desk.
Will
I finally saw her the other day. You should've seen her. She was wearing this white jacket that looked so nice on her.
Ben
Did you say anything to her?
Will
No, I was too far away. Plus, I don't think she remembers me from the first time we met.
Ben
What was her name again?
Will
Jane, from Connecticut.
Ben
Will and Jane. I heard she became your girlfriend before the end of the semester.
Will (looking pensively at the wall)
Shut up. I wish. I just need to find a way to say hi again or something.
[11.6.03]
He bit his nails and looked blankly at the wall.
He had forgotten to be cool and detached, the way he promised himself he'd always be.
He regretted leaving the cave. He had adjusted to the light and embraced all that he saw.
He wondered why he had returned. Perhaps it was not his own doing. He couldn't see his nails.
He took a sharp stone and poked both of his eyes. What good were they if he was to sit in the cave forever?
[11.5.03]
For a faithless person like myself,
Life is the tension of a swing chain
Pulled constantly as it sways back and forth.
One moment, anticipation fills the air
As I await the exciting possibilities
Maybe of a meaningful kiss
Maybe of a mutual feeling.
Then I often feel the tug of my past,
Sunny days and the smell of morning,
The times I thought I had it all figured out,
The times that never lasted.
It must be nice to believe firmly,
Life with purpose and direction,
A Guide who knows everything,
A Guide whose son knows, too.
I remember that time at the playground,
A mother duck and her ducklings passing
The red house on the horizon looking small,
And then looking big.
I never thought about jumping.
[10.31.03]
Fourteen years ago today, my family came to America from Korea. We got off the plane and saw some oddly dressed people. "So this is America; what a weird place," I remember thinking. We saw a guy dressed up in a white robe with long hair and joked to ourselves: "And that must be Jesus."
At our cousins' place, we saw kids come knock on the door and receive free candy. My cousins told me that you could get free candy by walking around the neighborhood. I'd say that my first impression of America was pretty good.
Two years later, when I had learned English, I made my first book: a collection of Halloween poems with my illustration of ghosts, witches, and goblins.
Nine years later, I remember standing on the sidelines before my high school football game on Halloween and feeling a bit emotional when they played the Star-spangled banner.
Today, I sit in my office cubicle on a Friday afternoon, wearing a striped-orange shirt.
[10.23.03]
I must say, I've never been much of a performer. Sure I played saxophone in middle school, sang choir all the way up to high school, and even did some break dancing back in the day, but when it comes to standing in front of people and trying to move them somehow, I've usually been pretty bad.
I remember last year's KSA election - I was running for president and worked all night to write a decent speech. But when it finally came to make the speech, I was so nervous and nothing really came out the way I wanted it to. It was very embarrassing.
Later tonight, I will stand in front of a similar crowd, but this time as an auctionee at our KSA Date Auction. The pressure isn't as great and nobody really expects anything, but I've actually prepared a semi-singing, semi-dancing gig to get the crowd going. I think I will make a fool of myself, but this time, I'm going to enjoy myself as well.
[10.19.03]
I often can't decide what would be "better" in terms of lifestyle: 1) doing what I love at the sacrifice of having some material discomforts and some financial concerns or 2) doing something that may not guarantee me inner fulfillment but allow me the luxury of buying almost anything I want.
I had brunch with my friends at Norma's, a pretty high-scale place on 57th, and it got me thinking about the profession I would need to take up in order to afford such pleasurable experiences on a regular basis. Maybe 100 hours a week of i-banking? Maybe endless hours in court on behalf of a corporate client?
After brunch, we walked by the Lincoln Center, where they had posters of the recent New York Film Festival hanging up. Who needs to eat a $16 waffle to feel good when you can make your own movie? I hoped that the New Yorker would one day give my film good reviews.
[10.11.03]
After work at Alumni Affairs, I was walking back to campus with another work-study, Matthew, who is a first year student and a Jew. He went to Stuy for high school, and that sorta made it more comfortable for me to talk about racial topics with him.
I mentioned Asian girls and how a good number of them preferred white guys over Asian guys. Matthew didn't seem to care about my concerns, so I posed it to him another way: "How would you feel if you saw a really hot Jewish girl with some random Asian dude?"
He suddenly showed a look of concern and said, "I'd be pissed as hell. That would be messed up."
[10.4.03]
When people get sick (not in a really serious way, but like a flu or cold), they are quick to complain about the discomforts. I will transcend such pettiness and just briefly mention two luxuries that result from sickness:
1. stuffy nose: when your nose is stuffy, you lose your sense of smell; this is a blessing especially if you use public restrooms a lot because you don't have to use your t-shirt to cover up your nose when other people poop in the next stall
2. diarrhea: altough the unpredictable and uncontrollable nature of this disorder makes it hard to welcome its occurrence, the plus side is its fluid transport of feces that leaves minimal marks for you to clean with the toilet paper; less wiping means more trees saved
[9.29.03]
I never realized how much school work can suck. It's because I haven't done any since spring, and now that I have these two film papers to write, I feel as if I will never get to write them.
Um. I just finished writing a list of things I would do after I dropped out of college, but I erased it because it was such a depressing list. Ok, I will write my papers now.
[9.15.03]
A week ago, I had some doubts as to the practicality and usefulness of my selected double major in film studies and history. What would I do after college? Was I actually learning anything useful? Would I make any money? Was law school something I should seriously consider? While other kids studied their economics or biology with certain aims for their future, I was reading a book on how to write a good screenplay and watching Tootsie multiple times.
Then today, I went to my history lecture and heard some interesting stuff about how the atomic bomb came about and read the entire script of Election in only two total hours with great enjoyment. By the time I came back to my room, I was pretty sure that I had chosen the right things to study because I wanted more -- and when you want something "more" in education, there shouldn't be any doubts as to why you're doing what you're doing. So what if I don't learn anything "useful"? Maybe I'll open up a video store or a used book shop.
[9.10.03]
Have you ever eaten a frozen apple before? I jacked a few apples the other day from John Jay and stuck them in the fridge in my room. When I came back tonight from the library to compensate for my unhealthy chips and cookies binge with an apple, I bit into an unknown texture that sort of felt like the feeling I once had from eating frozen tuna sashimi. I should really find out why my fridge keeps freezing my stuff instead of just keeping it cold. My turkey and provologne cheese also got frozen and tasted pretty crappy.
[9.08.03]
I wish I can stop taking myself so seriously. When you get to thinking that everything you do is so important, that's when you're just asking for extra stress and unwanted problems. Forget the pressure, forget the big dreams, and lose the feeling of self-assigned importance. Learn to enjoy the nice weather and be happy to see your friends. Gosh, I sound like a fortune cookie. I'll have myself another Choco-pie now.
Go back |