>>pk@columbia

12.5.01 - The N Word

I don't usually read my own writings, but tonight, after the long hours of studying for my Korean test at the library, I decided to check out my website. I looked through my old writings from senior year of high school entitled Reflections. I found some of the entries to be funny, such as my Hate List and Names That Stick, but for the most part, I found the entries to be sentimental.

One entry that got to me was the one about my old townhouse. Two months before school, I moved to another house. My new house is a bit bigger with four bedrooms and it's got a huge parking lot in the front because half of it used to be a gynecologist's office but is now just a hangout place for my landlord. What the house lacks is a good neighborhood. It's located on Oak Tree Rd., which is one of the busiest streets in my town and it's about a quarter mile down the road from Indotown. Last week, Warren and I made a brief stop at the Dunkin Donuts down the road. We were the ONLY non-Indians in the shop. I remarked, "What country are we in?" "Yeah, I should've brought my passport," Warren replied. Aside from the proximity to Newest Delhi, my neighborhood consists of doctor's offices and more big parking lots. I can't say I like my new house compared to the old one. Even the street name of my old home, Sunflower, is prettier than the boring Oak Tree. I miss the little kids running around the court and the Mexican guys mowing the lawn or raking the leaves; I hate mowing the lawn. I guess not being used to the new house makes me feel out of place when I go back home from school.

Such concerns and other memories, such as the Euro journals I wrote last year or the Grease Trucks I used to eat - all those things lead to that N word: nostalgia. I remember in a football game last year, I could not remember the word that meant "longing for the past." The word hounded me all game and when my teammate asked me what was going through my mind during halftime, I told him I wanted to find the meaning of the word. We won that game and I did fairly well, so when we got on the bus to go back home, I focused my thoughts entirely on finding the word. When I finally figured out that it was nostalgia, the entire team rejoiced, and I was happy to have my word.

I have to admit that I do long for the past. When I look back on my past, I can only remember the nice, sunny days that I had tons of fun and nothing ever stressed me out. I don't recall the moments when I hated everyone, when I wanted to go to college badly, or when everything was so boring that I wished time would speed up. I guess my reaction is just a fact of life - you remember the good, you forget the bad. I'm happy for all the good memories I have, but at the same time, I feel the bit of sadness that slips in. Call it sentiment, call it nostalgia, call it whatever. I'll have to take solace in the likeliness that I'll feel this way about my college years four years from now.